What Straight Women Go Through

It never ceases to amaze me how gay friendly Melbourne is. The past couple of months I’ve in a few different towns and cities where it’s probably not the best idea to make it apparent you like cock. It probably doesn’t help either that I live in the inner city and probably one of the most homo-friendly suburbs in Melbourne. So, when I leave this sanctuary, I tend to put myself in some positions I never thought I’d be in…

Lately I was in Hobart. Now, APPARENTLY there are supposed to be a LOT of gays living down there, but considering only some 200,000 people live there, I’m guessing that probably equates to around… 23. It was early morning, and there were NO cabs in site, so I asked an approachable couple where the nearest taxi rank was. This seemed like a simple question to me, but the guy carrying the box of Carlton decided he didn’t like the fact I was wearing cologne…

Man: “Are you GAY!?”
Me: “ahh, yeah?”
Man: “Well why don’t you just FUCK OFF then!”
Me: (laughing) “… … ahhh… That’s not very nice!”
Man: “Nah. It’s not very nice… but it’s FAIR!”

Wait?! I think this man MAY have confused the definition of ‘fair’, because last time I heard a definition, Lily Allen told me ‘not fair’ meant sleeping with someone with a small dick who cums too quickly AND doesn’t finish you off!? Maybe I should have updated him…

Back on the mainland, I take you to my hometown of Batemans Bay. Going out in your hometown can always prove fun, especially when you haven’t seen people for 4 years, and they haven’t seen you ‘out’. I didn’t think this would be a problem; SURELY there are no gays in Batemans!? But yes, it seemed there was.

Maybe I should have taken the advice I took when in Geelong one time of “don’t kiss me! We’ll probably be beaten up!” After hearing that, I assumed head on the lounge upstairs would have been out of the question… Back to Batemans though, and one guy thought it was inappropriate for me to briefly kiss another boy… While trying to make his way to me, and people blocking him, he cooled down. It seems what set him off was me winking at him. Perhaps I should have saved my affection for someone who deserved it…

Quote of the blog goes to Perth though. When passing by a couple of drunk men, one goes to the others “I don’t wanna go to some poofta bar!! I just wanna go to a peep show and jerk off!” Charming … and we wonder why straight women complain about men?!

If It’s Not On, There’s No Fucking On!

It surprises me how many people still want to bareback. Does anyone know the dangers, or is it just me? Sure I might be over-reacting, but statistics have been showing a steady rise in HIV infections – especially in the younger ages! So when I asked someone to wear a condom when fucking me, I bloody well expect them to leave it on.

I’ve recently gone through the experience of realising someone had removed a condom without asking or notifying me during sex. Not only that, but this is directly after a conversation I had with this guy informing him if ‘he didn’t want to use a condom, we won’t be having sex’. My exact words.

As it turns out, he’d removed it half way through, preceded to fuck me and finish off inside me. It wasn’t until I found an empty condom on the floor that I’d realised what this cunt had done. So, next morning, straight to the clinic I go! Sure, he told me he was negative, but if I couldn’t trust him to simply keep a condom on, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t trust him as far as I could kick him. Hell – I didn’t know where this guy had been!?

This got me thinking; why do so many insist on having bareback with so many risks involved? Don’t get me wrong, I certainly do love it, but I only ever do it with people I’m involved with – providing we are both not sleeping with other people.

I’ve been told recently that, “Because there is so much around us that detaches us from other people, not using a condom brings you so much closer to the partner and makes sex more personal again, and less mechanic”. I guess that is true, surely we all love being close to someone.

I guess what it comes down to is trust and safety, and perhaps stupidity. In my opinion, keep bareback special. Keep it for someone you trust. Keep it for your boyfriend – If you even believe in that…

Or just use a fucking rubber.

That shit is REALLY spunky!

Mmmm, juicey!

I never thought I’d ever come across it, let alone even think it existed… But yes, spunky cum is around – well and alive – unlike the dead animal it tastes and smells like. What the hell do you do in this situation, and how the HELL does it happen? Maybe you shouldn’t do what I did…

The thing was, I saw it coming… a small waft coming from below, but thinking “oh, sometimes things just don’t smell right… It’ll be ok…” How wrong I was! Just a small taste sent me second guessing whether I wanted to go down there again, but after thinking “well, I spose he did go down on me” I went back down. I didn’t, however, have this grotesque odour coming from my man-region.

After a second go, and nearly throwing up all over his dick, I said, “That’s enough!” and reached for the juice on my bedside table [ironically, being pineapple]. “What’s wrong man?” he asked. “You’ve got SPUNKY CUM?!”… “what? Does it smell?”, “YEAH! Taste it for yourself, man!” I exclaimed. There was no way I was going to let him get away without testing it. “Oh, it is kinda bad, isn’t it?” “YEAH!” That was the end of that!

We all know Pineapple juice apparently improves the taste of cum – party why I have a glass every morning – and after doing some research, it seems there might be some other ways to improve one’s ‘maker of babies’.

- Higher red meat and dairy intake may increase its generally salty taste
- Asparagus notoriously causes bitterness, while parsley, celery, cinnamon, and many kinds of tropical fruit are noted to sweeten it
- Apparently heavy smokers and coffee drinkers’ cum is unpleasant
- One person told me their vegetarian boyfriend’s cum wasn’t particularly great either [testing still underway on this one…]

So there you go. If you don’t want someone repulsed by your cock and its juices, maybe you should do a bit of research – it’s not as if we haven’t tasted our own before! [and I KNOW I'm not speaking for myself here – I’ve done THAT research as well!] So until next week, eat, drink and cum merrily!

New Dumping Craze!

Before you go “oh my GOD – he’s not talking about THAT is he?!” I have to say no. This is not about the art of shitting, perhaps on one’s chest; it is much cleaner than that. MUCH cleaner. I’ve had a couple of people raising the question on a let down technique which has become very popular – “I’m just not ready for a relationship right now”.

Now – before you think “what’s wrong with THAT?” and rush to the comment section, let me stop you. It seems this excuse to not see someone again is being used inappropriately – after one date. Yeah – that’s right. ONE date.

One of my friends has had this happen to her SEVERAL times over the past few months. “What about me immediately says, ‘I want to spend the rest of my life with you, lets get started on our 2.5 kids’?!” The thing was, these first dates seemed to be going really well – there was laughing, endless chat, and a possibility to see each other again. “Then the next day, and sometimes as SOON AS I GET HOME, I get that text!” And apparently starting with ‘I think you’re an amazing girl’ doesn’t make it sound any better.

The thing is though, if my friend hadn’t got the SAME message from multiple guys, she probably wouldn’t be thinking about it. Let’s hope she doesn’t start every coming date with “… I DON’T WANT TO MARRY YOU!”

The same thing has happened to another friend. Lucky it was only the first time it had happened to him, but he was still left MEGA confused “I never gave the impression I wanted a relationship! I just wanted a fuck!”

I can’t say I have ever used this excuse. Usually it’s “I’ll catch you round” or “Good luck with your marathon next month!” Mind you, anything is better than ignoring someone till they go away. Until next week, boys, grow some fucking balls.

Slut.

It’s probably something that many of us have been called before, and really, we shouldn’t care what people call us – as long as it’s not religious, or a republican… now THAT’s offensive. But what exactly is a slut, and really, who’s to judge?

According to Wikipedia, the home of all truths, ‘slut’ or ‘slattern’ is a pejorative term meaning an individual who is sexually promiscuous. The term is generally applied to women and used as an insult or offensive term of disparagement, meaning “dirty or slovenly.” It may also be used as an expression of pride in oneself or envy at the sexual successes of others. Isn’t that interesting?

I’ve also heard the theory that people who have more sex, have sex attracted to them. Which I suppose does make sense. No one wants to have sex with someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing. And one CERTAINLY doesn’t want to fuck a virgin – we’ve all been there before – and we won’t be going there again, will we?!

One of my friends told me that sluts “are always out for sex, and act like it. They go around acting all ‘look at me – I wanna be FUCKED!’”. So –is it perhaps a behavioural act? If you only act like you want to be fucked all the time, you’re a ‘slut’?

I’ve also been told that sluts are only people who don’t enjoy sex, but have it all the time because they crave attention. I pity this person.

Of course, I don’t think I’ve come across anyone who hasn’t admitted going through a ‘slut phase’ at one time or another, and sure, sleeping with different people is exciting and experimental, but we all know sex with a regular person is quite comforting [not to mention the lesser need for visits to the Sexual Health Clinic].

Lazy lover? Me? No…!

Sure, not relevant, but... funny anyway...

Have you ever felt like you’re not good enough? Well, maybe you’re not. What about in the bedroom though? We all hear about people who are “shit in bed” – we never want to be one of THOSE people – but have you ever finished having sex and thought, “hmmm – not even I was convinced that was great!” – even if you DID finish?!

Yeah, that’s right, I’m not blaming the other person [new concept hey?]. Face it – no one likes thinking the morning after a one night stand “oh, I couldn’t really be bothered last night – I hope they won’t tell many people?” But how and why does this happen?! I tend to think that just because we are enjoying ourselves so much, we don’t NEED to work extra hard to get the other person off. But is that selfish? Probably, but as long as we all get off in the end, it’s ok, right?

I’ve come to realise that maybe it depends on the size of the guys cock on how much you work. If the guy has a smaller dick, you’ve got to work extra hard to get yourself off!-not to mention there is only so much you can do with a huge cock without creating yourself some discomfort. Or maybe it’s not that at all, maybe if the other person is AMAZING in bed, and totally enjoying it, you kinda just go along with the ride.

One of my friends had a different take on this. “Sometimes if I think a guy is shit in bed, I think it might be cause they’re not into me. But then I just think ‘Nah, it’s just them’”. Simple solution hey? Someone else has told me “I’m all for the ‘just lay there and take it’, especially when I’m drunk”. Fair enough.

A lot of people give a hard time to the ‘starfish’ position, and I can clearly see why. I would rather stay at home with my eyes closed, and a box of tissues.

At the end of the day – as I’ve said before – as long as everyone gets off, everyone’s happy. Aren’t they?

Sexual Incompatibility

So, I thought it was just me, but it turns out it happens to many people. Sex drive incompatibility! Let’s face it – this is seriously important! You don’t want to date someone who doesn’t have the same sex drive as you! Whether you don’t want to fuck around, or you want to fuck like rabbits, it’s just not gonna work if you are not compatible.

I’ve dated someone who just wouldn’t get into it. And it’s not as if he wasn’t interested! He wanted to keep seeing me, and seeing me, but after three sleep-overs and no sex, I was thinking – “if this is a taste of what dating this guy is going to be like, that’s enough!” Sure, he was still giving me head, but we all know it’s not the same as having a cock up your arse.

One of my mates had the same problem. He was seeing this guy for over two weeks, but he had it MUCH worse – HE NEVER EVEN SAW HIS DICK! I was BLOWN AWAY! “How do you even know it’s there?!” I said “Maybe it’s just REALLY small, and he’s afraid to show you?” I added. “no, no – I know it’s there – I’ve seen it though his briefs!” – Well, I spose that’s a start, hey…

“Everytime I go to put my hand down there while we’re spooning though, he just moves it away!” my friend added. Unbelievable. Can someone have that lower sex drive?! “He even wonders why I sleep naked!” he continued. His situation seemed to keep getting worse. Obviously my mate has more patience than I do, but this possible relationship had run its lengths after my mate had to leave and jerk off at home after his sleep-overs to release the sexual frustration.

I know I’m making it sound completely impossible to find the perfect sexually compatible guy, but I maybe it’s not that hard. When you DO find someone as sexually driven as yourself though, it can be totally rewarding, but it can also make you late to a LOT of appointments.

iGAY 2.0

Beep Beep Beep...

I think it’s fair to say technology has made a lot of our lives easier. Sure, the internet has a lifetime of amateur porn to watch, but new technology is helping us even to the extent of getting us laid. Now, I’m not new to this concept. Hell – it helped me come out! There’s only so much underwear packets you can jerk-off to. But recently, I got an iPhone, and heaven behold! There’s a gay finder on that too!

Download this app to find there are more gays in your area than you thought! One of them could even be your neighbour – especially when the application tells you exactly how far away they are – in MILES AND FEET! As I write this, I find the closest gay to me is just under 500 feet away! Now, that’s nearly as scary as it is convenient!

Not only can you get an estimate of how close these people are, but then you can chat to them, send them pictures – AND EVEN SEND A MAP OF YOUR EXACT LOCATION! I’m not joking! God love the iPhone.

Using technology to hook up does have its disadvantages though. There has been a couple of times where I’ve found what you see is not particularly what you get. Of course people send you the best pics they have of themselves, but when you turn up on their door, they’re not necessarily looking their best. However, you have made effort to get there – you may as well go through with getting off.

It also helps out when you get home from a night out, and still horny. Just log onto the net, and find someone who is the same! However, recently, this plan kinda went a bit wrong.

I knew I was ready to pass out, so I told this guy to hurry…. And he did… just not quick enough… I woke up an hour and a bit later to find myself fully clothed with all the lights on, and my phone in hand with two messages saying “I’m here!” and “have you already passed out?!”. Whoops! I felt TERRIBLE! If I’d gone to someone guys house to find they’d passed out in the interim, I’d be fucking ROPABLE!

Until next week, stay awake, and get laid.

Dating: Exit Stage Left!

Is this subtle enough?

We are always hearing about the worst dates in history. The guy with bad breath who talks too close to you, the guy who laughs abnormally loud at inappropriate times, the guy who’s a cunt to the waiter – we’ve heard it all, and we always think – “This could NEVER happen to me!” Really?! Well, what if it does!? I went on a shit date this week, and I needed an exit strategy!

Spending the whole date thinking, “how am I going to get out of this?” is not great for the date either. Although you are having the most awkward time of your life trying to enjoy yourself, but without giving them the wrong impression and looking like a dick later on, watching an episode of Sex and the City with five minutes of dildo talk and your grandmother standing over your shoulder would be less awkward. Because, even when you have the remote control, you still think it’s probably too late to change the channel.

In this case, I probably was not doing a very good job though, as at the end of a boring sentence about ground water [yeah, this guy was a total nerd] he finished with “… and you’re just sitting here thinking “what am I wasting my time on!?”” in which, he laughed, and I smiled thinking – “oh, is it that obvious, is it?”

What was worse is him saying “Ohh, look at me, talking about all this geology shit! I’m gonna make you into a nerd, and you’re probably gonna make me gayer!”, in which I replied “ohh, I don’t think that’s possible man…” – REALLY?! I paid out my date?! What a BITCH! [note: gayer because of my work and, pretty much, general life]

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t go on that many dates, but I’m pretty sure what date etiquette is, and what is a big fat no-no. One date has even said to me “Oh, I am a serial dater! I go on dates like, three times a week!” Oh really!? Three times a week? So – he hasn’t found the right person, or he’s just a really shit first date? Probably the latter, as I didn’t want to see him again.

Exit plans should really be something we have in place before going into a date, so we don’t end up wanting to sink into the chair. Lucky for me, I decided one pint would be long enough to make myself look at least half friendly, before having to go home and bitch to my friends.

The “getting your friend to call with an emergency” routine just doesn’t work. Well, without them realising they’re a boring piece of shit anyway.

Mr Right – Foe, Best Friend or Fake?!

This week I’ve been told two bombshells. My auntie told me Prince Charming doesn’t exist, and Catherine Deveny told me fairytales don’t exist. This has come to a COMPLETE blow to me, as I totally picture myself marrying my dream man and fathering two 2.5 kids in a picket-fenced house. After learning these hometruthes, I may as well quit while I’m ahead and throw myself off the West Gate.

This came after I’ve spent the past couple of weeks thinking about the perfect man. As in, we all picture who the perfect man is – in our minds – and seem to spend our whole life looking for him [yes, I realise I’m only 22, but hey – we can start early]. If this is true – why do we keep dating other people in the interim, who we KNOW do not fit our criteria?

I’ve recently been told the perfect man doesn’t even exist, and there is no use spending our time looking for him, because we will only end up disappointed. Wow – someone’s bitter! “Life and relationships are all about making compromises. You pretty much just end up writing a list of the good and the bad, and then weighing up the two. If the good outweighs the bad, just go with it!” To which I asked, “but, what about if there’s someone out there who has even MORE good than bad, and I just haven’t found them yet!?” To which she responded – “well – how long are you willing to look for?” Good point.

My father actually told me if I didn’t have an image of the perfect person in my mind, then it would be easier to find someone, as I’m not benchmarking to someone unachievable. “That’s how I ended up with your mother” he finished – charming.

Perhaps we keep dating the wrong people to build the myth Mr Right actually exists? One friend said bad dates make great stories for cocktail nights – which is totally true. Everyone loves a “my dating life is worse than yours” contest.

I actually had a relationship with a guy for three months, who I KNEW was not the person I would be with for longer than six [is that a bad thing? possibly another blog]… Don’t get me wrong – we had a great time together, but I started dating him the day after I met Mr Perfect and realised he was already taken! [depression central] But it was never going to work with this guy anyway – there’s only so long two bottoms can be satisfied with their sex life, right?

However – if you already know the perfect guy and feel he is out of reach cause he has a partner, lives in another country, or is in fact your best friend – ouch – then, do you just search for second best and move on?

I’d better stop asking questions and confusing myself.

I think my housemate summed up this ‘can of worms’ best though, exclaiming if someone believes the perfect person doesn’t exist, “that’s really fucken’ sad!”

On that note, let me get my imagination back into gear. We’ve all read “the secret”, right?